Book Review: A Deliberate Sinner

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Bhaavna Arora’s The Deliberate Sinner is her debut novel and I had much expectation from the book. With a cover that catches your attention instantaneously (also responsible for increasing my expectation quotient) and a prologue that seems both promising and emotional Bhaavna Arora does assure that her story clinches your attention. But the plot and the protagonist, Rihana Bajwa, unfailingly disappointed me at every turn in the book.

Rihana Bajwa, described as the so called smart, educated progressive Indian woman (to top that she is ‘ravishingly beautiful’ too), seems more prone to falling victim to her mother’s emotional drama than standing up for herself. She meets Veer on a trip to Thailand and agrees to marry him after he proves his prowess in the swimming pool doing a hundred laps at one go (yes that’s downright ridiculous). After a point she starts questioning her own decision and falls in love with her best friend Raj (the typical hero supposed to be her saviour). A steamy one night stand and a few love-struck moments later Raj develops cold feet and ditches Rihana who puts the incident behind her in hopes of a better future with Veer.

  Soon Rihana finds Veer unresponsive to her emotional and physical needs. Their tumultuous marriage further deteriorates when Rihana finds out about Veer’s affair. She again succumbs to social pressure (her independent personality hardly finds expression anywhere in the book) and agrees to give Veer a second chance. Veer (the perfect jerk from every aspect) rapes Rihana in hopes of getting her pregnant and all Rihana does is cry and whine over the phone.

Rihana Bajwa is the perfect damsel in distress who stands up for herself only towards the end of the book. Yes, Bhaavna Arora does try her hands at a bold book written to question the society as a whole and unabashedly explores the female sexuality, yet I expect more delicacy from a writer out to handle such a delicate issue. I was finding it immensely hard to sympathise with Rihana. What woman agrees to marry a man whom she had hardly known for a few months at most? Why does an independent and progressive woman like Rihana find excuses to stay in a marriage after she gets raped by her husband? And was the act she staged with her friend Avinash (Veer finds her making out with him) really necessary to break off the marriage? I mean didn’t she have reasons enough already?

Sadly, though the content is full of potential, the writer handles it messily. If you have a couple of hours to spare, you may want to read it. But read it without any expectation. Most importantly, do not expect to connect with Rihana for she is a weak protagonist, a protagonist who shall disappear from the recesses of your memory after you have finished the book. I look forward to stronger protagonists from the writer in the future.

Verdict: If you are willing to risk it!

Rating: 1.7/5

(To know more about the author Bhaavna Arora visit http://www.bhaavna.com)

 This review is a part of the biggest Book Review Program for Indian Bloggers. Participate now to get free books!

Forever and Ever...

Deepak lay asleep beside me, satiated and drunk on desire, his snores filling the otherwise quiet room while the rain softly pelted the windows. I lay wide awake, overwhelmed and lost as I stared at his handsome face while his wonderful male scent filled my senses and stirred something deep within me. I looked on as questions filled my mind like an avalanche of destruction, whilst pain and hopelessness clouded the heart for I could not love Deepak. The heartbreaks, the failed relationships, the despair and cheating had left me incapable of love, incapable of feelings.

 Yet I had married Deepak, for he had loved me all through; he had watched me cry over those dim-witted jocks I dated in high school, watched me break my heart countless times in college, watched me stumble through one failed relationship after another and yet his love had never wavered but remained strong while I searched desperately to lean on to a man I could trust and love. In the end I had made a compromise and married the man who loved me instead of the man I had hoped to love.

I tossed around restlessly in bed, my heart a whirlpool of emotions while the sheets curled round my naked body, sheathing it from the dread and cold that suddenly engulfed my senses. Deepak had known all along for he had seen the emptiness in my eyes and the hurt I saw reflected in his broke my heart; yet he hoped that someday I might learn to love him back the way he had loved me all this time. I wished it would happen, I wished it were true. I had tried so hard to love him yet all I felt was emptiness. He deserved a woman who would fill him with so much joy and love that he would forget all the pain I had put him through.

 I left for office early that morning, leaving Deepak peacefully asleep while I plunged myself into work, the enormous figures a welcome distraction from the turmoil that now filled my days. I taxed my brains over their numerous complicacies seeking to forget my troubled thoughts. I returned late at night, exhausted and worn out, my head throbbing to find a note stuck to the refrigerator.

I'll be late,don't wait up for me...

Love,

Deepak

I breathed a sigh of relief, for Deepak’s proximity muddled my senses and made rational thinking difficult. For once I won’t have to look at him and feel the guilt that suffused my senses on seeing him.  As I went round the house that night completing chores, I wondered for the hundredth time if I had made a mistake in marrying Deepak and destroyed both our lives in the process. He could have married someone who loved him back unlike me, moved on with his life. Yet the thought of him with another woman made me sad, for I was not willing to lose him. The way his eyes lighted up on seeing me, the way he made me feel so special were not things I was willing to let go. Was I being selfish?

As I was straightening the book shelf, dusting the old books that had gathered a thick layer of dust over time, a thick diary tumbled out and fell open at my feet. I could make out Deepak’s bold writing and all of a sudden I lunged at it, hoping to know the man whom I had so selfishly used to make me feel better about myself. That night my life turned upside down as I read those pages again and again, knowing that love as I knew it had changed forever.

I often wonder if she is real. The way her eyes sparkle with innocence while she shines brighter than every other girl around, the way she laughs like a carefree bird when happy and nervously chatters to herself when worried... I think I’m in love. I hope she would see me more than as a friend.

The half-wit broke her heart. I wish I could erase the pain but all I did was remain silent while she cried. It broke my heart to see her tears; it broke my heart to see her with him...

She is so beautiful she takes my breath away... Why can’t she see my love for her? I have tried to move on but in the end I keep coming back to her. I have never loved anyone the way I have loved her. I hit the half-wit today for he deserved it but in the end I felt nothing but despair...

She is moving to Delhi for her higher studies. Maybe I can finally move on...

I was up all night talking to her, listening to her tales of Delhi...

She is home. I met her today, she is as beautiful as ever and I still love her. But she seems unhappy, some failed affair with a guy who was cheating on her with her best friend. Those eyes, bright and enormous, still so innocent...

She accepted my proposal... But now all I want is to die for she does not love me. I saw it in her eyes, the emptiness, the dread. Yet it was all lost in the kiss; her lips, so soft and tender. I kissed her like my life depended on it. Someday she will love me back and until then I’ll wait. I’m here baby, always...

I see her trying so hard to make me happy. But I’m happy darling for I’m with you. All that makes me unhappy is you assaulting yourself with guilt over me. Don’t you see? You made me happy just by promising to be with me for my entire life. I wish I could hold you and tell you that it does not matter, I’ll take what you give me for my love is enough for the both of us. My love is enough...

As I read his diary, drinking in his words like a woman dying of thirst, I broke down. And my heart that had remained dead for so long, finally beat fiercely against my chest, loud and hard, for Deepak.

New Beginnings..

The house felt alive for the first time in months, my husband going around with a tray full of drinks, his loud exuberance infectious and holy in its happiness. Noisy chatter and lively music filled my ears and I smiled. The surprise had been totally unexpected; after the relentless and unforgiving hours spent at office the surprise had been a welcome relief, a reminder that I was still loved and cherished. I looked around at the crowd that had gathered to celebrate my birthday as my daughter came running up to me, her eyes bright and luminous.

‘Happy birthday Maman!! ’ she screamed almost gleefully and hugged me tight, her small arms unable to span the entire width of my waist. I sighed and picked up her frail little body to hold her close, her sweet scent filling my nostrils.

‘Thank you, sweetheart,’ I whispered softly. I looked over my daughter’s back at my husband, willing him to turn his gaze towards me, willing him to acknowledge by some gesture that I was forgiven for the hell I had put him through.

‘Maman, did you like the surprise? Daddy and I planned it months back but I wasn't sure if he would...’

My daughter seemed at a loss for words. After the mounting tensions in our marriage in the past few months, her world had been submerged in insecurity and anxiety. Yet Ankit had gone ahead with the surprise and inspite of the fact that he was hardly acknowledging my presence now, he seemed hopeful and happy. Maybe there was still time to repair the holes in our marriage. I would do it for the sake of my daughter, I would do it for the sake of my family. I put down my daughter and asked her to go play with the other kids as I walked with purposeful steps towards Ankit. He was immersed in some heated debate and his eyes shone with excitement, something that I had robbed him off in the past few months.

‘Ankit?’ He started as I took his name. ‘I love you so much. Thanks for the surprise, it feels like the best birthday ever,’ saying so I hugged him and as I looked into his eyes I knew I was forgiven. Some of his friends whistled from behind and we laughed, listening to the lost sound of our joy after months apart.

That night I sat at the table looking at the letter Suraj had left with my brother six months back. He had promised to call me every day, promised to rescue me from the marriage that my parents had forced me into. I had waited every night for his call, faithfully believing that Suraj wouldn't abandon me. I had cheated on Ankit but I had felt no remorse, no regret until now. I took off the earrings he had gifted me on my last birthday and took a deep breadth.

I waited for your call every night Suraj.. I pleaded you to call.. Yet You didn't..

I took a bite from the birthday cake and whispered to myself, ‘To new beginnings Anita.’

As I left the room I looked back once, wondering if I could let it all go. The phone, the earrings and the cake lay on the table. But the letter was clutched tightly in my hands. Ankit deserved to know the truth, he deserved to know how his Anita had foolishly abandoned him for the superficial promises of love. His affection hadn't been enough, our daughter hadn't been enough. I had craved so much more, yet I wasn't ready to lose it all. Not today, not ever. I tore the letter and burnt the pieces and holding my head high I walked towards the bedroom towards new beginnings.

 This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.