Deepak lay asleep beside me, satiated and drunk on desire,
his snores filling the otherwise quiet room while the rain softly pelted the
windows. I lay wide awake, overwhelmed and lost as I stared at his handsome
face while his wonderful male scent filled my senses and stirred something deep
within me. I looked on as questions filled my mind like an avalanche of
destruction, whilst pain and hopelessness clouded the heart for I could not
love Deepak. The heartbreaks, the failed relationships, the despair and
cheating had left me incapable of love, incapable of feelings.
Yet I had married Deepak, for he had loved me all through;
he had watched me cry over those dim-witted jocks I dated in high school,
watched me break my heart countless times in college, watched me stumble
through one failed relationship after another and yet his love had never
wavered but remained strong while I searched desperately to lean on to a man I
could trust and love. In the end I had made a compromise and married the man
who loved me instead of the man I had hoped to love..jpg)
I tossed around restlessly in bed, my heart a whirlpool of
emotions while the sheets curled round my naked body, sheathing it from the
dread and cold that suddenly engulfed my senses. Deepak had known all along for
he had seen the emptiness in my eyes and the hurt I saw reflected in his broke
my heart; yet he hoped that someday I might learn to love him back the way he
had loved me all this time. I wished it would happen, I wished it were true. I
had tried so hard to love him yet all I felt was emptiness. He deserved a woman
who would fill him with so much joy and love that he would forget all the pain
I had put him through.
I left for office
early that morning, leaving Deepak peacefully asleep while I plunged myself
into work, the enormous figures a welcome distraction from the turmoil that now
filled my days. I taxed my brains over their numerous complicacies seeking to
forget my troubled thoughts. I returned late at night, exhausted and worn out,
my head throbbing to find a note stuck to the refrigerator.
I'll be late,don't wait up for me...
Love,
Deepak
I breathed a sigh of relief, for Deepak’s proximity muddled
my senses and made rational thinking difficult. For once I won’t have to look at
him and feel the guilt that suffused my senses on seeing him. As I went round the house that night
completing chores, I wondered for the hundredth time if I had made a mistake in
marrying Deepak and destroyed both our lives in the process. He could have
married someone who loved him back unlike me, moved on with his life. Yet the
thought of him with another woman made me sad, for I was not willing to lose
him. The way his eyes lighted up on seeing me, the way he made me feel so
special were not things I was willing to let go. Was I being selfish?
As I was straightening the book shelf, dusting the old books
that had gathered a thick layer of dust over time, a thick diary tumbled out
and fell open at my feet. I could make out Deepak’s bold writing and all of a
sudden I lunged at it, hoping to know the man whom I had so selfishly used to
make me feel better about myself. That night my life turned upside down as I
read those pages again and again, knowing that love as I knew it had changed
forever.
I often wonder if she
is real. The way her eyes sparkle with innocence while she shines brighter than
every other girl around, the way she laughs like a carefree bird when happy and
nervously chatters to herself when worried... I think I’m in love. I hope she
would see me more than as a friend.
The half-wit broke her
heart. I wish I could erase the pain but all I did was remain silent while she
cried. It broke my heart to see her tears; it broke my heart to see her with
him...
She is so beautiful
she takes my breath away... Why can’t she see my love for her? I have tried to
move on but in the end I keep coming back to her. I have never loved anyone the
way I have loved her. I hit the half-wit today for he deserved it but in the
end I felt nothing but despair...
She is moving to Delhi
for her higher studies. Maybe I can finally move on...
I was up all night
talking to her, listening to her tales of Delhi...
She is home. I met her
today, she is as beautiful as ever and I still love her. But she seems unhappy,
some failed affair with a guy who was cheating on her with her best friend.
Those eyes, bright and enormous, still so innocent...
She accepted my
proposal... But now all I want is to die for she does not love me. I saw it in
her eyes, the emptiness, the dread. Yet it was all lost in the kiss; her lips,
so soft and tender. I kissed her like my life depended on it. Someday she will
love me back and until then I’ll wait. I’m here baby, always...
I see her trying so
hard to make me happy. But I’m happy darling for I’m with you. All that makes
me unhappy is you assaulting yourself with guilt over me. Don’t you see? You
made me happy just by promising to be with me for my entire life. I wish I
could hold you and tell you that it does not matter, I’ll take what you give me
for my love is enough for the both of us. My love is enough...
As I read his diary, drinking in his words like a woman
dying of thirst, I broke down. And my heart that had remained dead for so long,
finally beat fiercely against my chest, loud and hard, for Deepak.
