Monday, 7 July 2014

Forever and Ever...



Deepak lay asleep beside me, satiated and drunk on desire, his snores filling the otherwise quiet room while the rain softly pelted the windows. I lay wide awake, overwhelmed and lost as I stared at his handsome face while his wonderful male scent filled my senses and stirred something deep within me. I looked on as questions filled my mind like an avalanche of destruction, whilst pain and hopelessness clouded the heart for I could not love Deepak. The heartbreaks, the failed relationships, the despair and cheating had left me incapable of love, incapable of feelings.
 Yet I had married Deepak, for he had loved me all through; he had watched me cry over those dim-witted jocks I dated in high school, watched me break my heart countless times in college, watched me stumble through one failed relationship after another and yet his love had never wavered but remained strong while I searched desperately to lean on to a man I could trust and love. In the end I had made a compromise and married the man who loved me instead of the man I had hoped to love.


I tossed around restlessly in bed, my heart a whirlpool of emotions while the sheets curled round my naked body, sheathing it from the dread and cold that suddenly engulfed my senses. Deepak had known all along for he had seen the emptiness in my eyes and the hurt I saw reflected in his broke my heart; yet he hoped that someday I might learn to love him back the way he had loved me all this time. I wished it would happen, I wished it were true. I had tried so hard to love him yet all I felt was emptiness. He deserved a woman who would fill him with so much joy and love that he would forget all the pain I had put him through.
 I left for office early that morning, leaving Deepak peacefully asleep while I plunged myself into work, the enormous figures a welcome distraction from the turmoil that now filled my days. I taxed my brains over their numerous complicacies seeking to forget my troubled thoughts. I returned late at night, exhausted and worn out, my head throbbing to find a note stuck to the refrigerator.

I'll be late,don't wait up for me...
Love,
Deepak

I breathed a sigh of relief, for Deepak’s proximity muddled my senses and made rational thinking difficult. For once I won’t have to look at him and feel the guilt that suffused my senses on seeing him.  As I went round the house that night completing chores, I wondered for the hundredth time if I had made a mistake in marrying Deepak and destroyed both our lives in the process. He could have married someone who loved him back unlike me, moved on with his life. Yet the thought of him with another woman made me sad, for I was not willing to lose him. The way his eyes lighted up on seeing me, the way he made me feel so special were not things I was willing to let go. Was I being selfish?
As I was straightening the book shelf, dusting the old books that had gathered a thick layer of dust over time, a thick diary tumbled out and fell open at my feet. I could make out Deepak’s bold writing and all of a sudden I lunged at it, hoping to know the man whom I had so selfishly used to make me feel better about myself. That night my life turned upside down as I read those pages again and again, knowing that love as I knew it had changed forever.


I often wonder if she is real. The way her eyes sparkle with innocence while she shines brighter than every other girl around, the way she laughs like a carefree bird when happy and nervously chatters to herself when worried... I think I’m in love. I hope she would see me more than as a friend.
The half-wit broke her heart. I wish I could erase the pain but all I did was remain silent while she cried. It broke my heart to see her tears; it broke my heart to see her with him...
She is so beautiful she takes my breath away... Why can’t she see my love for her? I have tried to move on but in the end I keep coming back to her. I have never loved anyone the way I have loved her. I hit the half-wit today for he deserved it but in the end I felt nothing but despair...
She is moving to Delhi for her higher studies. Maybe I can finally move on...
I was up all night talking to her, listening to her tales of Delhi...
She is home. I met her today, she is as beautiful as ever and I still love her. But she seems unhappy, some failed affair with a guy who was cheating on her with her best friend. Those eyes, bright and enormous, still so innocent...
She accepted my proposal... But now all I want is to die for she does not love me. I saw it in her eyes, the emptiness, the dread. Yet it was all lost in the kiss; her lips, so soft and tender. I kissed her like my life depended on it. Someday she will love me back and until then I’ll wait. I’m here baby, always...
I see her trying so hard to make me happy. But I’m happy darling for I’m with you. All that makes me unhappy is you assaulting yourself with guilt over me. Don’t you see? You made me happy just by promising to be with me for my entire life. I wish I could hold you and tell you that it does not matter, I’ll take what you give me for my love is enough for the both of us. My love is enough...
As I read his diary, drinking in his words like a woman dying of thirst, I broke down. And my heart that had remained dead for so long, finally beat fiercely against my chest, loud and hard, for Deepak.






34 comments:

  1. Beautifully portrayed Anushree, I love the flow of emotions in this. Very moving..

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  2. Beautiful story. Tender and touching.

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    1. Thanks a lot Beloo.. And welcome to my blog. :)

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  3. Beautiful, Anusree. Simply beautiful...

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  4. Astounding! So marvellously written. I am floating into the ocean of love after reading this. :) kudos, dear!

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    1. Haha!! Am glad.. Thanks a lot Namrata.. :D

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  5. I've learn a few just right stuff here. Definitely value bookmarking for
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    1. Thanks again for taking the time and coming back again to visit my blog.. :)

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  6. WOW ! The emotions poured in by Deepak in that diary , so beautifully written ! I could feel myself nervous when she found the diary and abundantly happy on reading the last lines ! Its a post I can relate to. Somewhere deep in all of us flickers a hope of finding someone like deepak. Loved it ! So touching.

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    1. Thanks a ton for leaving behind such a heart warming response Nisa.. Yes, in all of us there lingers this hope of finding someone like Deepak and I hope you find yours too. :)

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  7. That was wonderful to read. It moved!

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    1. Coming from you, these words made my day!! I'm a huge fan of yours. :D Am glad you liked it. :)

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  8. that was so beautiful.... thank god i read it in morning... Made my day... Thankyou....:)

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  9. The story eloquently portrays the complexity of human emotions and relationships.

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  10. Sometimes it comes to a moment to realize the worth of true love. Good one!

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  11. Beautifully written Anusree. Touched my heart :)

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  12. Really touching, Anusree :)

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  13. A story that moved my heart! Thank you for the wonderful read, Anusree :)

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  14. wow..wonderful narrations .. ! i felt so much of me (in term of writing style ) while reading this!

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    1. Thanks so much Ankur!! Glad you could relate!! :)

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